My finger slipped. My brain didn’t engage. Now my head is on a cycle of self deprecation focused on exclusion. You broke my heart, my old friend and I remembered all the words you wrote to me that have left me scarred and scrambling for the last year. Wow. It’s been a year.
The old friend had imparted the worst judgement ever on another woman, little did they know that we were trying for a baby when my beloved Nanna, our last close relative to my deceased dad, passed away. And those damning, revolving words,
I pity any child you have, as you are a putrid human being.
And today, my finger slipped and again, that memory seeps in as the long dark night falls. I am waiting for the drowsiness of the risperidone so that I can relax. But the thoughts will still be there. I will try music; music helped two nights ago when I was stuck in a loop of post-Christmas despair about how I am a terrible daughter, selfish wife, thoughtless friend…
I had already used Lifeline chat twice last week but music and talking with my husband helped. Last night I had the sleeping medication due to successive bad nights.
And tonight… Will I just try and ‘be’ with this recurrent heartbreak that my old friend bestowed?
Sticks and stones make break my bones, but words live on forever.
If you or someone you know is experiencing thoughts of suicide please contact Lifeline immediately 13 11 14