I’m distracting myself from a blocked milk duct. We are in the process of stopping breastfeeding due to the new medications, and also it seems that it is just not working for our relationship. Maybe I would be sad, but I really am fed up with the blocked ducts every couple of days, for 5 months. (Actually, finding this picture at the end of writing this post to insert here, made me sad. We did have a strong time breastfeeding during my recovery at my mum’s where Master X gained 2 percentile bands of weight. However multiple visits to ED and 2 hospital admissions all for mastitis plus the recurrent blocked ducts have exhausted and overwhelmed Master X. and myself.)
I am writing to distract myself from thinking about the things, all the things.
The things like the people who will, or might now ‘know’ about the psychotic episode from me writing,
the people who I used to know who I accidentally reconnected with during my set up of Become Mum and who might poke at my experience,
the time I have lost, that I am losing,
the ongoing, relentless anxiety around feeding and settling with messages during my psychotic episode from a residential support hospital for sleep and feeding,
the shame and panic of not knowing where or who,
the upset of stopping breastfeeding, the mourning of the time ending that I only remember as very frightening,
the exhausting shame that I am distracting myself, because I should be resting from the block, but I am thinking about everything else.,.,
However the support from my mum, husband, family and friends and my inability to properly describe my experience, find help for my experience, to connect with people locally and mainly, the push from my mum and husband to start this blog as therapy,
as a door, as a window, as a crack for the next, a new, some chapter beyond now.
I can hear Master X crying, so I will stop here, even though I turn to find him and I know that he is not really crying because he is here, in the bed, next to mine in the caravan.
If you or someone you know is experiencing thoughts of suicide please contact Lifeline immediately 13 11 14