My mind is jumbled from the lack of sleep last night. I can’t remember the conversations that I just had, that I wanted to share. Master X. slept really well, again. Actually, he is asleep now.
Yes, I am perched on the couch next to him, shushing everyone who dares makes a sound (by the way, it took me four attempts to achieve the correct spelling of the onomatopoeia). I apologise in advance for this post, as I predict that it will be mainly babble. I prepared a post yesterday though and even had the clarity to time its release for later today, and I hope it will be a better use of your time than getting through this one. Congratulations if you have made it this far. Or thank you? I’m really not sure which…
This post is more a random stream of consciousness, recording of the present without delay.
The way that I have been told to help alter/modify/manage (in reviewing this part, I can admit that these are not similar concepts, however I will leave as is because it really is too much effort for today) my mental illness experience is to be in the present. So this blog may also, at times, represent this practice. To the
nest best of my current ability.
Which today is not very much, it would seem.
I had a terrible night trying to sleep. I had a blocked duct was encroaching on my ability to switch off, for fear that it would develop into mastitis, again. I am fortunate to have a very fast development of mastitis, that has resulted in more than a few hospital visits. By the time the block was released at 11pm, I was wired.
I read, counted backwards from 1000,
counted bottles of beer on the wall,
and then leant over Mr. A. to pull my speakers from the drawer next to his side of the bed,
and inadvertently woke him.
I tried music. But every song made me cry.
Magically, Master X. awoke just before 2am and would not resettle. So I fed him, whilst Mr. A. lovingly made up some tea and a raisin bread. I find that by this stage of wakefulness, I need to eat. And use the toilet.
Mr. A. then put on the grace of Bon Iver and I drifted into sleep at about 2.30am. Awoken at 6.30am for a feed. No sleep again.
If you or someone you know is experiencing thoughts of suicide please contact Lifeline immediately 13 11 14