The postpartum psychotic episode

Photo on 29-12-2015 at 8.41 am

This is a brief recount. Consider it like a blurb at the back of a yet to be completed book.

Last night I was talking with Mr. A. about all that has happened. I wept as I remembered how things played out, about asking people for help: family, friends, hospitals. I knew something was wrong, but I am very good at presenting as in control, a strong suit that I developed as a teen, a brighter and more useful side to my pre-existing anxiety disorder. So no-one twigged to the seriousness of my call for aid.

More powerful than then my strong suit though was the voice warning me not to tell people because they would come and take X away. My doctor explains that this is common, and that I was definitely experiencing psychotic thoughts at this time.

I am putting this here this morning as I have slept thanks to some extra medication and also the well known tunes of Michael Jackson. I have slept, and it is early enough for me to post this before the doubt and self-deprecation begins.

I wrote the last message in this series to a very close friend this morning. A friend who, although could not physically be with us, supported us through our journey as first time parents.

27th October

OMG so cute!!

Sorry thought I had replied! We have been in a family hospital for sleep. And my anxiety. Cause I like totally lost it. Feeling better now. And heading to mums for a week or two.

21st November

sorry i have been out of touch. I was diagnosed with severe PND and have been at home with my mum for the past month and a half. I am in recovery and should be going back to Mr. A a week after next. I really want to start skyping with you guys when we get home – Master X. loves Skyping with Mr. A. ❤

Severe PND – the scariest place I have ever been

29th December

Thanks E, yes the psychotic episode is a newer diagnosis for what was happening. I will write about it when I feel I can, but I was convinced X was deliberately trying to piss me off. I had visions and fantasies of hurting him (with a more permanent outcome), and had some out of body moments when some terrible shit happened.

I was very heightened and felt crazy.

I was told I needed to go to hospital but my mum staunchly kept us and supported us. I deserted Master X for a few weeks, except for feeds. It is fucking hard. It is hard to write or think about it, but it helps me if I tell others cause it loses its power.

If you or someone you know is experiencing thoughts of suicide please contact Lifeline immediately 13 11 14

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