‘You’ll take motherhood in your stride.’
‘You’re strong, you can do it.’
I don’t feel strong. Especially when I have to take a pill to sleep. Especially when I can no longer feed my baby the way I would prefer, because the medication makes me too drowsy.
Because my mind is too stuck on a loop about feeding being the cause of Master X,
Not playing independently
Ironically, since beginning weaning last week, there has been
Perhaps Master X has inherited my anxiety (but really it is learn, because anxiety cannot be inherited). A health professional so adeptly pointed this out to us when Master X was a month old,
‘That, that there. That nuzzling and searching furiously. That is anxiety.’
Great, my feet are doing that thing again. The twist thing that I have recently noticed they do when there is tension (?). It is a new thing they do. Like my legs bouncing.
So I am blogging, in the hope that it allays the negativity about not being strong enough, so that I can return to reading my book whilst the medication works.
We went to be bed at 9.30pm. I tried music, breathing, counting from 1000, then turned on the light to complete some puzzles and use the breast pump (are you not tired of this repetition and no sleep? I am).
So now I am attempting to clear my head by writing here, to try and independently do this shut down business so that Mr. A can sleep.
Oh and it is okay Master X. is still asleep. I checked he was breathing when I got up to use the breastpump.
And Happy New Year Mr. A. Although leading up to it, it seems much like the previous one.
If you or someone you know is experiencing thoughts of suicide please contact Lifeline immediately 13 11 14