As I lay here and gaze into your eyes\
Exploring the playful, joyful, bright smiles\
And suddenly, my heart melts.
Can you see the day?\
Although it is cloudy but blazing outside\
We are cuddled in our bed\
And who knows what the day will bring?\
Mumma’s head is still clear\
And there is nowhere else I would prefer to be\
With the demons of the night replaced\
By you, my son\
and the possibility of a loving, carefree, fresh day.
Last night was sleepless.
For Mr. A. and Master X.
I fell asleep watching Upper Middle Bogan. It was the first time I had drifted away without having to consciously incur an effort. Due to the many consecutive troubling nights, I did concede early on and consume a sleeping pill to assist in the venture.
And this in turn, aided me to sleep through the
and seemingly endless wake-ups of Master X (was it gas, or the change to formula, or the scary dog fight yesterday??).
He awoke many more times than I can recall.
I woke up twice.
Mr. A. sat with me stoically to ensure that we did not fall asleep whilst feeding. Every time we feed now could be the last, so I am alert and present to each opportunity as a gift.
Well as alert as allowed by the medication, and as present as my mind-space.
Master X. ended up sleeping with Mr. A. at some point. I woke up in the morning and gingerly picked up Master X. so that Mr. A. could have some much needed respite.
As we played and cuddled I thought of this as a moment of clarity, of peace. And I breathed it in because who knows when the next opportunity will come today for this kind of being.
If you or someone you know is experiencing thoughts of suicide please contact Lifeline immediately 13 11 14