Stopping breastfeeding #1

Just off the phone to Health Direct. I must stop breastfeeding.

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Until now it had seemed like a decision that had to be made, but in reality was too painful for me to make for all the reasons discussed previously.

I was not been strong enough to make the decision. Not for me. Not even for him.

I cannot understand, nor describe this attachment to breastfeeding. My brain refuses to process it as an option. Even though it is the only option.

And the emotional baggage of (perceived to be) forced weaning is…

I don’t know what to say today, really. I am devastated. Again. So I will post from the last time I attempted to stop.

IMG_1156.PNGOf course, I failed to stop. My head would not concede failure.

I am also now trying to recall and collect ‘evidence’ of the psychotic episode. It is not a nice thing to do to yourself. It is tearing. Cruel. Breathtaking. Heart-wrenching.

I just hope that through this blog that our loved ones can come to some kind of understanding. Some kind of inner resolution. Of things that I cannot describe with my audible voice.

And know that the pain that I too feel is suffocating.

Devastating.

I remember the paramedic who took me to hospital for acute mastitis when Master X was five days old.

You really need to be careful about postnatal depression. The things you are saying.

Why is this happening? Everything is so shit. I hate life.

In hindsight, this should have been a warning sign.

Crying, weeping, wailing in the hospital for days about the unfairness of it all. Actually, all I recall is episodes of crying. Thanks to the photos.

Therefore my New Year’s resolution is to make sound sane decisions (when possible), and to forgive myself for decisions made when my self was not sound.

Even writing this and reading it back, it seems an insurmountable task. 

Forgive. Forgiveness.

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Oh, and to stop breastfeeding. Because I have to put my mental wellbeing ahead of my brain cycle of the self deprecation and lies.

If you or someone you know is experiencing thoughts of suicide please contact Lifeline immediately 13 11 14


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