Master X was grizzling. I had spent most of the morning working on the first chapter in my supposed book (three days in, mind you), living in the world of the psychotic episode. It would of course make sense that I felt tired, depleted. I was not this way upon waking this morning. After a session of grieving last night, I felt clean.
I had left the bedroom upon waking eagerly, wanting to see my son, to cuddle and kiss him and tell him and show him that mum loves him, despite her inaction over the past few days. I should be kind to myself though, it is difficult to navigate a new dimension of a relationship that was in my being, and in my connection to being a mother, the central idea of who I would be for hum in the first year of his life. Because really, I had no idea about parenthood (and who does?).
Master X was grizzling louder, and it was still over an hour until his next feed. I am not used to scheduled feeds, as we fed on demand from the breast. However, the schedule does help me to have some idea about what Master X could be doing at certain times. Like now, he is napping in the stroller having returned from a stroll around the block.
My mum did not want us to walk too far, to exert too much energy as I was still feeling lethargic from this morning’s medication. But I could feel the dark coming over, the frustration of myself, not being allowed to sleep because Master X had not napped all morning and yet he continued to push for…
As he lay, grizzling on the ground near his toys, I noticed that I was holding my breath and started to think ‘what is wrong with you? I just need some time’. And so I took some time, and put on my headphones for music and immersed myself in The Angrivated Mom. It worked. It distracted me enough to realise that what we both needed was a change of scenery. Now.
I checked that the cabbage leaves were firmly tucked under my shirt, plopped Master X into the stroller (mum helped me locate his pink floppy hat and pacifier cable) and made our way to the front door.
We had made it/
to the front door.
Not too much excitement occurred on the walk , but I can reflect now that I am frustrated at how slowly my health is recovering from birth, breastfeeding, mental illness. Yesterday I Googled ‘running with pubic pain’ because I miss my outlet dearly. I feel my breath become shallow, haggard, tight and my neck crawl with heat. Frustration. Breathe. breathe.
The walk was a good decision, a sound decision, and if nothing else, it was a decision that resulted in Master X having a much needed nap, and me having time to recollect my thoughts and energy for the afternoon. It was a choice in health.
If you or someone you know is experiencing thoughts of suicide please contact Lifeline immediately 13 11 14