I was fortunate to enjoy my breakfast of cereal, decaffeinated coffee and medicines (all the medicines) whilst playing with a well rested Master X.
And I considered how far we have travelled (not just in the physical sense around regional New South Wales), but also how far we have yet to go. And for once, the distance we have yet to move does not worry me, but rather has me excited about the possibilities of learning and love (soppy).
I will not lie and nor pretend that I am not still upset about the changes that I feel have been cruel, such as the end of breastfeeding and having to be away from Mr. A for such long durations. It seems that if you want to become mentally well that you need to be away from home, especially when you reside outside the only cities that offer Mother and Baby Units (MBU) in the country; Sydney, Adelaide and Perth. However, even if you reside in these metropolises- as PND Recovery pointed out in Sydney- this care may only be available to private health patients. And yes, MBU was suggested a couple of times to us through our journey out of the darkness.
Did I just make reference that we are out of the darkness? It certainly feels that way this morning, but is it too soon to call this state as our new way of being?
When do you know that you are somewhat well; on the path to recovery?
And if it is decided that you are on this journey, rather than running from the Black Dog (however there is more than one Black Dog in my case), how do you go about returning to your old life? Is there ever such a state as ‘an old life’?
Perhaps my coffee, decaffeinated as it is, will help me in understanding this complex issue. I can drink the same coffee, the same way every day with lactose free milk, however the spoon always changes, the state of my mouth is altered differently depending on my sleep the previous night, and the cup has been washed in different water, perhaps by alternative hands.
I slept well last night (obviously) for at least seven hours- and medicine free- for the first time in a long time. It is not that I always take medicine before bed (usually I do not), but it had become typical for me to get to eleven o’clock or midnight and sleep had
still not found me after three or more hours, resulting in increased anxiety and subsequent medication. I do not resort to medicine of course, until after listening to music, reading, meditation or even writing.
In any case, I look forward to today with my coffee, cereal and myriad of necessary medications. I embrace the pain of the end of breastfeeding (for the moment, now) even though last night I talked at length with the Australian Breastfeeding Association about re-lactating once I cease the Risperidone. I know deep down that I will not restart breastfeeding again, however some part of my self needs to hear that it is possible.
Perhaps I am no longer in the darkness, in the Black, but rather in a new space. Let us call the new space grey with lots of specks of white.
If you or someone you know is experiencing thoughts of suicide please contact Lifeline immediately 13 11 14