Hope.

I am a hot weather kind of girl. I grew up in the west of New South Wales and have spent as much of my time as I can, in warmer climates. Not tropical, mind you, but more dry and dusty- the kind of weather that makes your skin sweat from the inside rather than the outside dew that comes along with tropical climates.

Master X, Mr. A and myself have headed west for a family camping holiday along with my mum, sister and nieces.

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My head was well cloudy yesterday, and all I could do was eat. In addition to regular meals, I consumed:

  • 350grams of salted mixed nuts (contained gluten)
  • 1/3 tub of Basil and parmesan dip (after taking two lacteeze; so far no issues) with accompanying biscuits
  • 1/3 packet of shapes (contained gluten)
  • 125grams of party mix lollies (justified this by telling Mr. A that chewy candy is great for reducing anxiety)

It was gluttonous, but I could not stop. It was compulsive and I had no sensation of my stomach being at capacity. Lately, it has been as though an evil, selfish and empty shell has taken over my physical self. Eating all this food is taking a toll on my physical being, but also on my sense of self. Self loathing.

Mum even pointed out this morning that my stomach is protruding. I indicated to Mr. A last night that my clothes, in the last week alone, are becoming uncomfortable. I will be moving up to a size eighteen any day now.


 

We awoke at approximately five thirty this morning because Master X had wet his bed. Saturated. And so Mr. A. changed his nappy, by which stage it was time for a feed. After a bottle, Mr. A and Master X settled into our bed for a nap, upon which time Master X was very unsettled. He had also wet our bed. Lucky it was just a mere spot but it still required some careful maneuvering involving a spare towel draped carelessly over the patch at a time when we all would have preferred to be sleeping (I am assuming that Master X has the conscience to want to sleep, which his actions of later presume to me that indeed, he does not care much for sleep).

(I can feel my stomach rolls, roll, roll, roll)

Despite such a rude awakening, while I was sitting with Master X a rogue thought popped into my head,

Today is a new day! What will happen today?

This was a very new experience; a notable moment. It took me completely by surprise, however the residual emotion that accompanied the thought pattern was even more disturbing to my regular feelings.

Hope.

So although I sit here at ten o’clock with a slightly cloudy head- having survived two poo-xlposions, two milk and one solid feeds, dragging the cot mattress out of the van and into the sun in front of the amenities block where our site is located, a load of laundry and visits from our family who are camping right next to our caravan site- I have felt hope today.

And that is my moment, and I will endeavor to be present to it through the day (even amidst the frustration of Mr. A who is a cold climate kind of guy).

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If you or someone you know is experiencing thoughts of suicide please contact Lifeline immediately 13 11 14

A Bit Of Everything

8 thoughts on “Hope.

  1. I am a warm climate person, which is a no go at the moment, the UK is freeeezing!! I recognise the pattern of binge eatinf and self loathing, it it a dance I know the steps to well. Its great rhat you woke up and had that feeling of hope, sometimes it can take that one brief moment of change for you to realise ypu have turned a corner(speaking as somone who has fought depression for many years) I hope that is the case for you.
    Thanks for sharing with us, Tracey xx #abitofeverything

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  2. I suffer from Postpartum Depression as well and it is a struggle. The feeling of hope is one that, for a long time, I wasn’t sure would ever come around again. Thank you for sharing your story as well. xx
    #abitofeverything

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  3. Hey there, it’s sooo nice to hear the glimmers of light starting to return. I hope you find some pleasure in this stinky heat (I like it too :-)). About the Risperidone – as you know, I have some experience. We should chat. From this distance it sounds like it’s beginning to work but also that it’s increasing your appetite, which is what it does … The main thing at the moment is that your brain and spirit recover, everything else can follow in time xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks x
      I am feeling more like my old self, in a way, changed but not much self-deprecation and the paranoia and cycles about Master X are definitely changing. Would appreciate any insights into the Rispa; my family have noticed a def change so thats good too xx

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  4. I must admit to being a cold climate kind of person myself, although it would be awkward being a hot weather person in Old South Wales…
    I was moved and delighted to hear about your experience of hope, especially after the pattern of self-loathing you described (I recognise that pattern of compulsive eating from someone close to me). I really hope this marks a turn-around for you, at least the beginnings of one.

    Liked by 2 people

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