This is how Mr A described me this afternoon. Perhaps because I didn’t notice my sister walk past me to collect dinner. Maybe because I didn’t see the bird creeping towards us every so slowly, as if stalking prey. Ultimately though it’s because my mind is occupied by our impending return to Canberra after a month away with my family.
Unlike last time we returned home, I am not scared. I am not terrified about being alone with my son. I am not so anxious to think that I require full time day company.
Instead, I am keen to start seeing my friends again, begin to live life being who I am, rather than a crazy and incompetent monster mummy. I feel light rather than heavy but I am conscience of the mess that I have to clean up, relationships that I have to work hard to restore.
However, I am also going to practise mindfulness by way of being in the moment and being kind to myself. I am going to endeavor to become open about being well/unwell, rather than putting on the face that masked me for over four months. I am excited, not scared. But also a bit wary. Because it has been a long time since we have been home and our last return did not go to well.
As we sit here on our (likely) last night camping there is again hope that this return to normality will be, well, normal.