Okay. So it has been a bit overwhelming to be home. I was not prepared for the feeding paraphernalia that lain scattered around the house. I was not ready for the need to ‘do something’, which is a common reaction of mine when anxious. As if the houses ‘needed’ to be clean RIGHT NOW, or that I needed to unpack all the things SOON, or this morning’s great example of trying to locate from my dreams, the next new big thing that would transport me into being able to find passion to work from home independently and freely in blogging world.
I did not catch myself though until now, doing and thinking these things of anxiety. It is already morning. I did sleep well (bar the multiple wake-ups from Master X requiring to be turned over). We returned home at about four-thirty however I did not make it to bed until past eleven o’clock because after watching a movie, I decided that this was a great time to start to unpack and clean. Until this point I had managed to avoid my brain switching to anxiety super-mum-wife-cleaning mode. I unpacked all the bags, put on and hung out laundry, and vacuumed. And then this morning I awoke with what I thought was the best idea since Smaggle in the Canberra blogging world, and created a new site (reading back and thinking of the idea, I know that it is nowhere as good as Carly’s; I’m going to have a million sites before I realise that this blogging game is not my key to success).
How is my body doing, feeling, experiencing this moment. Right now. Eating breakfast. I am doing everything that I am supposed to NOT be doing. I am enacting my anxiety. I can see this. But I do not know how to stop it. It is constant reel, that I must DO all the things now. And why is there this need to create a new site about something else? How about recovery, R?
I can hear Master X grizzling in the background as he plays independently. It is adding to my (slightly) neurotic sense of being at the moment. This is helping though, writing. I can see the jumps in my thought patterns, trace the origins to
perhaps a sense of being overwhelmed. That word that I used in the first sentence. Yes, I am overwhelmed. And it is okay.
So, the plan for today is to relax. Maybe do ONE thing that is playing on my mind, either write or sew. Go for a swim. Yes, I am going to go for a swim once my breakfast has digested. I forgot about that. Because when I become overwhelmed, flustered and anxious my wellness plan shoots out the window whilst I am standing at the door. So, I must go back to my list for a few days to ensure that I do not reel into an obsessive overwhelmed state. Amongst all the required doctors and wellness appointments this week, I need to find peace.
But wow, even that last sentence sounds draconian: ‘need’.
Perhaps I should just start by focussing on being present. ‘Cause I am already doing the next new big thing that would transport me into being able to find passion to work from home independently and freely… in the raising Master X world.