Shit. I cannot believe that just happened again. Why didn’t I close my mouth and breathe?
Master X had been screaming since we got home from an afternoon of grocery shopping. Sounds nice. But grocery shopping is hell, we hate doing it. We try to buy as much as possible so that we only have to go once a month and then only need to do little fresh food shops in between. Needless to say that we were all tired. Master X was especially tired. I took my medication an hour late. But surely that should not have mattered a great deal? What is sixty minutes in the scope of twenty-four hours?
I was on fire in the kitchen. Not literally, but my head was very focussed on getting all the jobs done for tomorrow, for the coming week. I prepared breakfasts, dinner for tonight, and cut salad items for lunches, steamed some snacks… That new Ninja bullet from my bestie for Christmas is a winner. I was on a roll. It took me about three hours to get everything prepared, and all of us fed.
I am shredding the roast chicken from Coles, the juices are dripping off my fingers. Mr. A is feeding Master X his cereal and formula bottle
What? Oh, well, if he doesn’t want his cereal and his is… What?… What kind of towel do you need?… He is a baby!… I have chicken all over my hands…
I walk over to Mr. A with the wooden pole thing that holds the paper towels madly gripped between my wrists, trying to be careful not to contaminate the paper with my chicken hands. Well, that was the illusion that I wanted to create when in truth I was thinking ‘I’m not getting you a towel and I am going to hold the paper towels like this to make you feel bad for putting me out. Don’t you know how much work I am trying to get done?!?!’
I reach Mr. A, hand him the roll thingy and indignantly declare ‘well I’d have to get it on my own to clean up the mess when you’re at work’.
Yeah, R such a hero.
So really, I only managed to feed the adults. It took Master X over two hours to stop screaming after Mr. A attempted to feed him. He is in bed now.
After I screamed for him to shut up. I lost my shit. I was overwhelmed. I have done way too much today. I believe there was even a stomp of the foot. My voice was definitely shrill. And there were an array of cuss words.
I am so ashamed that I lost my shit that I don’t even know if I am going to make this public. It is not okay. Why is it that I don’t see the signs until it is too late? How can I develop better managing strategies?
Why am I failing at the most important job of my life? Being a role model?
I tried swimming this morning. I say tried because the water felt like mud. Or perhaps it was my heavy body. Either way it was near impossible to pull my body through the water. I usually kind of enjoy swimming, but this morning was not the case. I felt more cloudy when I finished my mandatory ten laps then I did when I got up this morning.
My head is cloudy again. I am trying hard to make it clear. I feel like it is difficult to breathe. But tomorrow is a new day, and I am going to have an early night and relax with a bath.