I am super proud of my tiny mummy moment because although it was something that many mums probably have figured out by six months postpartum, it was a major turn in my healing and development.
I left the room.
I had been struggling for the past hour to try and get Master X for a nap. It was glaringly evident to me that he was tired,
- grizzling every time I set him down to play
- rubbing his eyes into my shoulder
- yawning like a lazy kitten
I do not know how many times I walked between the bedroom and the lounge room, but I wish I had my phone on me so it could have counted the steps. I feel wrecked from all the running around. The literal running around. In and out of the bedroom, up and down from the play mat, roll and roll in the cot. Round and round we went on this cycle for about half an hour before my brain went ‘ENOUGH!’ and I retired to the couch with a cup of tea, something to eat and my headphones plugged in for some lively Double J radio. This is where I sit now, and this is the task that I choose to relax me
because I did it.
I let him cry, I left the room, I did not lose my shit,
- I breathed
- I took stock
- changed his nappy
- offered some water
- put Bonjela on his gums
- cuddle him again
- placed him in the cot and WALKED OUT
- I finished my cup of tea and snack
- Listened to more music and read a blog
- rolled him over
- held his hand
- stroked his head
WALKED OUT because he was almost asleep.
Yup, I just took my headphones out and he is quiet. I can go and check.
It is truly amazing. I felt no frustration, anger, hate… fear of hurting him, annoyance that ‘he is doing this to piss me off’. I did feel like I was treading an old path, but am amazed that my brain did not go down THAT pathway. That dangerous path.
It took a lot out of me though because although my mental reaction had changed, I was physically running my old cycle again. We had travelled in and out of the bedroom about four times before I decided ‘he is super tired, so something MUST be up, I just need to figure out what it is!’. And I AUTOMATICALLY left the room. It was not a conscience decision. And we are safe, one of us is a asleep, and I am about to go for a rest too.