I don’t know how I made it through Friday with what I think were flying colours, but it happened. Maybe it was the chocolate, or maybe it was the medication, or it could have been the awesome rainy weather. I packed way too much into my day, I came to that realisation after reading itsamumslife2016 post about her experience.
(I am currently wondering if I should go for a swim, but also not really wondering that much as I have just now, as in this exact moment, taken my medication and it may make me drowsy).
What I had planned for Friday, and how it really turned out:
- Home nurse visit
Apparently I need the extra support at the moment. It was helpful to talk about formula feeding as I was not sure if we were feeding Master X too much, too many times etc. It was not helpful for settling assistance which is what I was hoping she would stick around for as that seems to be where I get stuck in a cycle the easiest. So I ended up calling Mr. A at work to help me through the morning nap settle as I was wired and could feel the burning up in my body as I began to walk backwards and forwards to the bedroom, deliberating if sleep was required. With his help we had NO issues with settling for sleep. I was so tired and a tad overwhelmed by the nurses visit that all I could amount to was to sit on the couch and watch new episodes of Pretty Little Liars. I just needed to switch off.
It was about this time that y bestie alerted me that she was unfortunately sick so was unable to come by in the afternoon to help out. But I had scheduled an ultrasound on my hips and pubic area for the recurring and at times, severe pain emanating from there since Master X’s birth.
- Hospital for physio class and ultrasound
I managed to get us out and into the car without too much drama. I prepared a bottle using a new technique from a person who I caught up with earlier in the week.
- 1/2 bottle cooled boiled water
- Thermos with hot boiled water
- Small bottle with powder
(Master X is asleep now. Success again!!)
It hit me in the car once I had parked at the hospital. These are going to be new mums, as in mums with very young babies. I did not want to go in. I felt like a failure, not being able to make the class the two times previous due to mastitis and then being at my mum’s. I stopped. I put myself on automatic, but I could hear the thoughts, ‘everyone is going to be looking at you. You are going to seem like such a weirdo’.
I pushed through, figuring that (oh, was that a cry from his bedroom?) I had to go to the ultrasound, and the amount of effort that it took it get out of the house when my brain was looping, that I should just go in to the class.
We managed it. Then upon entry I was slammed with about four women, looking blissful and breastfeeding their babies. Fuck this.
Jealousy? Pain? Anger? I am not sure, but I called Mr. A after the SMS because I was feeling very overwhelmed. Even more so as the nurse stated that it was a matter of fact that ‘you only need to stop breastfeeding on lithium’. I interpreted that as ‘you gave up’. I really did not need to to hear that today.
- Grocery shopping
So I thought on the way home from the hospital, that it would be a great idea to go to Aldi to pick up some things so that we could head off to the coast when Mr. A finishes work. (Yup, he is awake). We did this without too much drama, but I did buy some way out things that we really did not need. Like baby toothbrushes. Yeah, cause we can totally afford to waste money on that sort of stuff.
I get stuck on getting all the things, doing all the activities. Days cannot be done in halves. Shopping trips must be all encompassing. When I got home from the shopping trip I realised that I had also managed to hang pictures on the walls, tidy Master X’s room, do two loads of washing, write, read… It is like i just switch into a mode of automaticity and don’t even realise that I am doing everything. The best way to describe it is like the Pacman game, only the trolls are all the thoughts, and the things that I have to eat are all the tasks that I MUST do to escape the thoughts.
And I run, I run really fast all day.