It is time for my weekly psychiatrist appointment. I am shaking, but is it nervousness or a side-effect of the medication? I am not sure. I was not going to come to this appointment, I think as I pull into the carpark. I feel much better this week. I am doing fine. I am fine. But really, it is my brain telling me this so that I do not have to face the fact that possibly, I am not fine. Because as of last week I am on the hospital wait list for voluntary admission.
My friend is waiting in the car with Master X (who is sound asleep after our trip to see the new Encounters exhibit at the National Museum of Australia) so that I can have some time with the doctor. Perhaps this makes me less nervous? I am still shaking, slightly. I have noticed that I get the shakes a little bit now. Last week I was informed that this is a possible side-effect of the Risperidone. Parkinson disease- like tremors. I do not have Parkinson’s and so have no idea if this is the tremors the doctor was referring to.
Thankfully my friend is here so that I can have some time.
I push open the door to the waiting room and let the receptionist know that I have arrived. I am ready. Head down and focussed on my phone. I go over the notes that I have made for the appointment. And then Twitter becomes a good distractor for my busy brain.
I am informed that they are running late. Already ten minutes late. Waiting.
The doctor is friendly when they call me in, saying how good it is to see me return. I am honest about my true desire to not want to come today. That it would be admitting that I am not well, when really, I just want to be well. To be living and writing from a place of health (who the hell would make this stuff up?!?). I talked about how I considered alternative therapies such as writing, to be helpful in my progression.
I am actually very concerned about this blog. That it is public. What about the possible ramifications for when you are well? You might read back and think ‘I do not want people to know about this’. People normally just get better within the privacy of their own homes, and then when they are well, talk about their wellness…
I had not thought that much about the future ramifications as being in a negative light. It is obvious to me that the doctor has my best interests in mind, and they even said that they are just trying to look out for me. And they have had years of experience. Perhaps they are right and I should not write. But it seems to be helping me, this diffusing of the bomb that is my mind. And I do want to move forward, beyond this point, and into wellness, hence the changing in the name of the blog and my profile.
Is it so bad to be trying to uncover the darkness that I think, feeds my mental illness? Would it be better if it were left in the dark?
I left the appointment feeling good that we had progressed to a somewhat stable place this week. I felt not so good however, and the negative ramifications of my decision to write from my current place, the place of truth. Perhaps it would be better if I just wrote privately for a while, but then, I tried that in the past and it did noting but really feed the negativity.
This is not a ‘ditch the doctor’ scenario. This is a reflection scenario. I have tried to write about other things, but it is just not natural for me at the moment. I am truly conflicted. A shaking hand kind of conflict.