Right to not write?

It is time for my weekly psychiatrist appointment. I am shaking, but is it nervousness or a side-effect of the medication? I am not sure. I was not going to come to this appointment, I think as I pull into the carpark. I feel much better this week. I am doing fine. I am fine. But really, it is my brain telling me this so that I do not have to face the fact that possibly, I am not fine. Because as of last week I am on the hospital wait list for voluntary admission.

My friend is waiting in the car with Master X (who is sound asleep after our trip to see the new Encounters exhibit at the National Museum of Australia) so that I can have some time with the doctor. Perhaps this makes me less nervous? I am still shaking, slightly. I have noticed that I get the shakes a little bit now. Last week I was informed that this is a possible side-effect of the Risperidone. Parkinson disease- like tremors. I do not have Parkinson’s and so have no idea if this is the tremors the doctor was referring to.

Thankfully my friend is here so that I can have some time.

IMG_1534I push open the door to the waiting room and let the receptionist know that I have arrived. I am ready. Head down and focussed on my phone. I go over the notes that I have made for the appointment. And then Twitter becomes a good distractor for my busy brain.

I am informed that they are running late. Already ten minutes late. Waiting.

The doctor is friendly when they call me in, saying how good it is to see me return. I am honest about my true desire to not want to come today. That it would be admitting that I am not well, when really, I just want to be well. To be living and writing from a place of health (who the hell would make this stuff up?!?). I talked about how I considered alternative therapies such as writing, to be helpful in my progression.

 

I am actually very concerned about this blog. That it is public. What about the possible ramifications for when you are well? You might read back and think ‘I do not want people to know about this’. People normally just get better within the privacy of their own homes, and then when they are well, talk about their wellness…

I had not thought that much about the future ramifications as being in a negative light. It is obvious to me that the doctor has my best interests in mind, and they even said that they are just trying to look out for me. And they have had years of experience. Perhaps they are right and I should not write. But it seems to be helping me, this diffusing of the bomb that is my mind. And I do want to move forward, beyond this point, and into wellness, hence the changing in the name of the blog and my profile.

Is it so bad to be trying to uncover the darkness that I think, feeds my mental illness? Would it be better if it were left in the dark?

I left the appointment feeling good that we had progressed to a somewhat stable place this week. I felt not so good however, and the negative ramifications of my decision to write from my current place, the place of truth. Perhaps it would be better if I just wrote privately for a while, but then, I tried that in the past and it did noting but really feed the negativity.

This is not a ‘ditch the doctor’ scenario. This is a reflection scenario. I have tried to write about other things, but it is just not natural for me at the moment. I am truly conflicted. A shaking hand kind of conflict.

A Bit Of Everything

14 thoughts on “Right to not write?

  1. I’m with Tracey and am surprised the doctors questioned the wisdom of writing. I have a very close relative who is severely mentally ill and has been sectioned several times including last year. Whatever it takes to get you through (safely!)…rooting for you. #abitofeverything

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  2. I am supprised at your doctors response. Your thoughts and feelings as you go through this illness are not something to be ashamed of, something that need to be hidden away or edited so that they are ‘socially acceptable’. I have used my writing as a way for working through my mental health issues and now from a place of relative stability I look back at those early posts eith a sense of pride, and how far ibe come, and how strong I was even then when I didnt realise it.
    I think you need to trust your own heart in this and do what YOU feel is the right thing for you.
    Thanks for linking up with us, Tracey xx #abitofeverything

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    1. Thanks for the wise words Tracey. I think the same way that you have been working, that it will be good to go back and see how my thoughts and writing have changed (I hope that they will have). I think there is just so much stigma with mental illness in Australia still, which is the place the dr was coming from. But I think theta silence perpetuates this stigma.

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  3. I can’t imagine what it must be like. I think you must do what makes you feel good now. If you ever feel the need to write something truthful but very personal, that makes you worry that you may have regrets, then maybe get a really good friend (or another blogger friend) to read it before you publish? Wishing you well in the future #abitofeverything

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    1. Thank you for the advice! I think it is a good idea to run past any ‘out there’ posts, to make sure that it is nothing that should be kept perhaps, for another forum. Thanks for reading

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  4. I’ve thought a lot about this. For what it’s worth, I think you should keep going. It’s true (I think) that once something is ‘out there’ it never fully goes away. However, over time, it sinks further and further into the cybersphere unless you (or someone else) wants to dig it out again. You can always delete the blog, put the content on a thumb drive and/or change your identity again. I think that the benefits of doing this far outweigh the risks. Happy to chat more to you about this xxx

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    1. I agree- and I really value your opinion so thank you for taking time and considering the problem. I think my experience with the drs’ speaks to the heart of what i am trying to do – reach out and break the stigma. I do feel that the benefits outweigh the risks at the moment and so will continue to be honest and maybe one day, the blog tone will change. But it will have to come naturally, rather than what others think I should be writing about.

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  5. The positive side of sharing your experiences, the good and the not so good, is that maybe someone out there reads your posts and can relate. It may help them out of a dark place, it may help them knowing that there are other people who feel like they do.

    As long as you are writing from the heart what harm can it do? If ten years from now your mental illness is all in the past, it’s still apart of your past and nothing to be ashamed of. And people will hopefully be able to read the then and now posts.

    #abitofeverything

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    1. Thank you. That has been my thinking. And I changed the name of my blog recently to reflect that there is hope that my writing will move to a different direction- when the time is right. Thank you for reading.

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  6. It’s a surprising response. I can understand the concerns around confidentiality but from what you’ve written (and been writing), writing has allowed you to get your thoughts down in an ordered way and in sharing them let other people know they are not alone and found support.

    What it is obvious from the pages upon pages of blog posts written by people is that sometime unwellness is what compels them to write, to reach out for others where they haven’t been able to get access to the mental health care they need.

    I’ve found it an odd experience to read some of my older posts or drafts as they are clear indicators of where I was at the time of writing. There’s generally some editing that will creep in to tidy or finesse but as you say the aim is to write from a place of truth even if that truth is ugly or may change with time and perspective.

    #abitofeverything

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  7. I’m sorry you’re going through such a difficult time xx I think different things work for different people, so as the doctor said, some people will recover at home in private, but maybe that’s not how it will work for you, so for as long as you feel comfortable and better for writing, you should continue. The more people who speak out about these things, the less isolating and potentially taboo it will become – I think you’re really brave and I really admire you xx
    #abitofeverything

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    1. Thank you so much for reading. I agree with what you are saying! It is good to get other opinions, and to work out what works best for each individual. Mental illness is not like physical illness. It is just as debilitating, but I think the pathways to wellness differ.

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