i am not the duck

nb. it is really difficult to type in all lowercase – there is a reason why i chose lowercase for this post, because i feel that it called for it… i do apologise if it annoys you, but style is just as important as content.


mmmmm chocolate. the life force of my day. gives me strength, or maybe just weight. but anyway it makes me feel stronger. or maybe just loaded.

it’s amazing how quickly moods can change. i think my mood change though is tied to the weather, or perhaps to the tiredness that i am experiencing. my day started relatively well with high energy and bounding confidence. i was am doing this. it is what i want to do and i am made for it. there is no doubt that the day was shining through bright. my second day on my own. entirely on our own, to navigate this stay at home space. can we do it, yes we can!

FullSizeRender_1master x is having a deep slumber, tired from morning antics, reading about the persistently angry duck (happy hippo, angry duck) and refusing his usual nap after his breakfast feed. perhaps this was going to be a ‘reheat your coffee for time kinda friday’ i tweeted. i had to reheat my coffee four times on thursday, and this day was starting out with less cooperation! however my positive resolution persisted like the hippo, and i managed to get myself dressed in three different outfits in preparation for my first mother’s group since master x was three months old. I selected the leopard-print type top, black leggings and sneakers. of course while i was cleaning up from the morning fiasco, i realised that i looked kind of like one of those housewives from television, especially with my freshly painted hot pink nails. i had felt a strange and overpowering need to coat my nails in this ghastly colour at about nine o’clock last night, much to the horror of Mr. A, as i incidentally painted some of our kitchen too.

i was considered three things whilst dressing :

  1. i did not need to look like i tried so hard that i look like a television character
  2. that i do not like to stand out, so perhaps more placid attire would be suitable
  3. that i am going for coffee, rather than a playgroup and so although some nice dress would be good, it does not need to be formal

whew, so much to consider when getting ready to go out! i was already starting to feel overwhelmed. i decided on plain black, so that my nails did not look grotesque. yeah, i think this is a good choice.

i potter around some more and then before i know it, master x is awake, making gurgling sounds in his cot. i hurriedly pack the food and bottles that i prepared last night into my handbag and race them to the car. i collect master x, change his nappy and clothes and bundle him into the car. we are on our way. breathe, breathe.

the morning tea was relaxing, i do not know why i was so flustered and overwhelmed. however my head still felt light through the conversation. i feel i stumbled too much and tried too hard at lame jokes to try and cover up my discomfort at not remembering anyone’s names as my memory is truly shot at the moment. a side effect of the medication.

when i return home and master x is down for a nap, i too collapse into bed. but my brain is mulling over the conversations, not the content, but the over-the-top and FullSizeRenderuncomfortable personality that is me at the moment. i wonder how i managed to get my self so worked up, over a cup of tea!?!? my mood became cloudy, tired, but not sad, rather more like dejected. although my mood had altered, my emotion was stable – resolute that this was not going to be a wasted day. and so i sit here, recuperating whilst my friend watches master x so that i can have a break. reboot. and place my mood back into the basket of ‘what will you be’.

’cause moods can change day-to-day, but also moment to moment.

thank goodness i’m not the duck.

My Kid Doesn't Poop Rainbows

7 thoughts on “i am not the duck

  1. Thank you for sharing such an honest and real post. I totally agree with you. Sometimes a small break to reboot can make a world of difference. It’s easy to write off a full day as a bad day, when sometimes a moment to reflect and process can help turn things around.


    1. Thank you for reading. I try to tell myself that it can just be a bad moment- was particularly challenging yesterday! The blog helps me to turn around sometimes cause once it is out an don the page, it is out of my head!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I totally see how that helps. I find blogging helps me when I’m churning over something too. It gives my brain something else to focus on. I’ve been know to get up and write thoughts down at 3 am just so that I can get them out of my head. I’m pleased you’ve found something that helps x

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi, I just wanted to let you know that I am adding a link to your blog at my MH Blog Directory at TheWorryGames.com. I left you a comment earlier and after having read some more of your story after I submitted it, I didn’t want you to think I was downplaying the seriousness of your situation when I brought up my own post natal anxiety. You have certainly been through it and I have much respect for what you have been through.


    1. Thanks Lisa for letting me know. I definitely think that everyone’s own story is unique and we together can help each other. I appreciated you sharing your story as it gives another perspective, experience and ultimately source of strength. So thank you for being brave and sharing it. #solidarity #BeatTheStigma


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