I don’t know why, but everything is getting on my nerves today. It doesn’t help that my mood is low after days of being overly energetic and busy. Your cries aren’t instilling a sense of wanting to mother, nurture, to hold you close and whisper sweet lullabies of calm, but rather has the effect of making me want to run from the house, screaming in the street.
Even making mistakes in the spelling and/or grammar whilst writing is tickling my nerves. Making me want to throw the laptop against the wall and yell at it. Because you know, laptops have ears and a conscience so that is going to fix the problem.
I have donned a safety shirt today, one of dad’s, to help in dissipating some of the negative energy that seems to be following my head around. It’s okay I will just skull that tea that I wanted to drink. It is only warm now anyway.
You are crying desperately and I have already gone to you, but you seem inconsolable and my energy is too raw to be able to hold you indefinitely. I need nourishment, to recuperate some of the barely-there energy that I awoke with today.
I am frustrated at myself, for letting the energy take me over the last couple of days, and we are paying for it now. It is not your fault dear Master X. I know that I am an adult, but I too am learning, discovering how to manage these competing emotions that keep raising their ugly heads – busy energy or dreary mood. Mind you, neither state is particularly happy. One is focussed and overly obsessed, and the other is lethargic and quick to anger.
I want to be happy.
So be happy
I am trying. But it is hard with a cloud hanging in my head, covering my eyes and thoughts with grey, bleary consciousness.
And so I hold you as we read this conversation and you giggle in response.
Well I guess not all is lost today. Our love prevails, even through the clouds, and even though I do not feel it at the fore font, you must feel it. You shows me in your smile, the crinkle in your eyes and that sweet little dimple you inherited from your Opa.