Leaving Master X

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My bags were packed and I was ready to leave the house. It was only going to be a for an hour or so- why does it feel as though I am leaving? They say the first time is the hardest. You will feel like you have rejoined the adult world. Leaving your baby for a day. Or even just an hour.

The first part of the morning was uneventful. I had frequented this cafe before, and so was confident in relaxing and writing in a pleasant surrounding. It was close to home. However something felt not quite right and I found it difficult to focus on writing my book, and so I decided to cut my venture short and instead, move on to shopping for new fabric to work with for baby projects. I made my way to the car and as I lifted myself into the cab I thought,

Wow, I am doing this. I am moving somewhere different without HIM

My time at the Salvation Army store seemed to speed past as I was engrossed in testing fabrics, asking others’ opinions as to their condition (I LOVE second-hand shopping) and just generally scavenging for a bargain. I was in my element. And then as I was walking back to my car from the store, pushing my new office chair which was piled high with fabric that I purchased for my new sewing projects, it hit me. A feeling of being not quite there, naked, missing something that is integral to my being.

I was alone.

It seemed a lifetime since I had been by myself shopping. A menial, unimportant task made momentous by the fact that I did not have Master X with me. My heart was not next to me. It felt liberating, but also scary.

I wonder if this is a sensation that I will ever be able to remove from myself. How can it ever be easy to be apart from your heart?

I spent a lot of time without Master X when I was with my mum, however I guess I was not consciousness of our connection; I felt distinctly separate from him. And he was being left with family when I did venture out of the house. Moreover I was always accompanied by a family member and so I guess that I did not feel so alone.

Something is different about leaving him now. And I am thankful for that. Perhaps it is a sign of glittering light!


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