I just cannot seem to be able to shake this funk. I think it might be the lack of exercise. Just the thought of the fact that I am limited to only short 10 minute strolls so that my pain is at a level three, maximum, makes me feel like crying. I feel so stuck. So helpless.
I’ve been sewing like mad, trying to use the machine as a catalyst for change, for trying to get rid of this nasty. As if the faster that I sew, the more energy I will exert. And the shit thing about being in this space is that it seems like there is too much space, and yet it feels claustrophobic. Like the air is too thick or something.
When I am exerting myself on the sewing machine, my mind drifts off into mega mode. I start fantasising about how awesome all these projects are going to be, and I begin to over romanticise what it is going to be like – sewing all day, having my own business, making all the things. I get this way about writing too. Especially when I start writing something new. It plays on my mind, keeping me awake. Pelting my brain with amaze zombie-beads that means that I am fixated on this THING inside me. It must come out. Writing/sewing is the only way for it to come out.
And then I realise that I am yet again a mouth breather. We did a course when we were pregnant and the lady in charge told me that
you must breathe through your nose. Anxiety is born through mouth breathing
And so now whenever I realise that I am indeed, breathing through my mouth, I think, ‘Oh, you;re bringing this on yourself again, close your MOUTH!’
Today, not much change. The doctors think that my medication needs to be altered. And that may be so. I am no expert, I am just a consumer. All I know is that this funk is thick and that without my people support at the moment that… I don’t know what, and I shudder to think as I know that how I am feeling is not me.
But what am I?
I feel like it has been so long since I have been afforded a middle ground. Up, down, down up.
Close your mouth, breathe through your nose. It might help you adjust your mood. If nothing else it will stop me smelling my own breath, and that is something positive at least, right?