So today I stopped Risperidone without doctor advice.
Such a stupid decision.
But I thought from my conversation with the doctor yesterday that the medication has been causing my down mood. And I wanted to do anything in my power to stop being down, and to get rid of the chance of going to hospital. So the conversation in my head went a little something like:
They want you to go to hospital. Phew. You’re not that sick. You’re getting better. You should stop your medication, because obviously it has done it’s job. You are down. The wired mood has passed.
Such logic. Much thought.
The wind outside is pleasant at the moment, blowing a cool change across the fading of the warm day. I spent that day with someone, and managed to stay out all morning and the early afternoon. It was my plan though, after the shockingly rocky week, to be around people all day today. Being ‘social’ was made an even better decision given that I had not taken my medication this the morning.
I did not notice that my head felt funny until I retuned home in the afternoon. I had forgotten about the home medical visit, and was running late (I knew that something was happening at three o’clock – was it a feed?). My head felt… prickly. The doctors say that I have a ‘very physical experience’ with my medication and illness because I can feel the release (or in this case, lack thereof) of chemicals in my brain. It is like I can feel the release of serotonin when I have my antidepressant. And I could feel the prickling from the lack of dopamine today.
Needless to say that the medical professional was not happy with my decision. I have to say that siting there telling them about the choice, I could see that it was not the most rational decision that I had made today. I feel stupid, listening to my untrustworthy thoughts. But I really thought that I was ‘being strong’ and ‘acting healthy’ if I could have proved that I did not require medication.
The prickles are gone now. I took my medicine while the professional was visiting.
R = 0
Risperidone = 0
But together = 1
And if I could manage to write more, I would. But the shame of the choice has left me rattled. And I need to process why I would do something so suddenly and not consider the consequences. In this case, the consequence of the prickles and that without the Risperidone at the moment, I am not on a pathway to becoming stable.