Bipolar?

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I should feel more surprised.

But I feel relieved more than anything. Mainly because anxiety just did not seem to fit. I mean, I know that I have anxiety, but it feels more than that. The initial diagnosis is that I have bipolar 1 along with the anxiety. Apparently. Though I remain somewhat unconvinced. Although the reaction from one moment off medication and I go back up to high should probably tell me something, right? Or maybe it just tells me that I need that particular medication. Or maybe it is a mere indication that something postpartum has been going on. Whatever the message, I do wish it would make itself a little clearer.

That being said, maybe it is clear. Maybe the fact that I went up so quickly does support the doctor’s summation. Or maybe I am just a really, really anxious person with surges of energy and periods of instability. Occasions that caused me thoughts of self harm and harm to my baby; that affected my ability to see clearly the consequences of my actions. Even knowing what my actions are. What they could be.

It is one of the nicer mental disorders to have, a mood disorder. We call it bipolar disorder. But I need to know you longer to say it with finality, but we are going to start treating you as such. We are treating you as such. It says it on your script, is that okay?

I feel relieved I think because something is being said, something is changing. These swings may come to an end. Perhaps I can move on to enjoying a stable, steady, normal mood pattern. Maybe my grandeur thoughts will play down to a more realistic level. Maybe I will be able to start to track my moods and predict change. Or perhaps Mr. A can now have some relief knowing where we are. Who I am and who I am not.

Now we have to think about medication, changing, altering, staying the same. It is obvious that the current medicine is doing its job, to a degree. I still experience some swings but the psychotic thoughts and patterns are gone. Even I can tell that from reading my posts very early on. And also reading the limited journaling that I did write during my episode. The fuzzy memories of which I can grasp; reading them to friends in my living room, stories about death thoughts of sludgy darkness.

And who is to say that I do not have postnatal depression. Perhaps it is all three? I do not know, I kind of clammed up after the above statement. Although I kind of knew that it was coming. My husband indicated to the doctor at our first appointment that he thought that I had bipolar. Or that I was bipolar. Am I bipolar, or do I have it? Which is in control when it comes to mental illness? Does it change depending on the trigger? I know that I have not felt in control of my moods and that they seem to swing rapidly. Perhaps this is a step in the right direction?

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24 thoughts on “Bipolar?

  1. Boy I can really relate to you! 🙂

    I had symptons of being bipolar before pregnancy, but it was childbirth that triggered a psychotic episode that led to my diagnosis. It’s complicated! But as was said, I am “adjusting” and thank goodness for that.

    You sound like a wonderful mum, wife, friend. Glad to have read your post!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I felt the same when I read your blog! It has made it less scary to confront what has been going on so thank you. Your writing is honest and raw and has helped me over the past days since Dyane pointed me in your direction.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. As I think you know, I’ve been given this diagnosis. It’s never really feel like it ‘fitted’ but it gave me a framework to work within. I like to think now that I’ve suffered episodes rather as you might suffer bouts of the flu. It’s overwhelming at the time but it’s not something I think about that often anymore and it’s not something that particularly affects my day to day life. Everyone’s different, but I hope that you might get to a similar stage. Always happy to talk xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I agree with Eleanor. It’s so important to know what you’re facing! You sound like a remarkable person to me just based upon reading a bit of your blog.

    My suggestions:
    -keep writing
    -don’t hesitate to reach out both virtually and perhaps at a support group (only if that feels like something you want to do – I run a group for women with mood disorders and it’s very helpful to us all)
    -read other blogs by those with bipolar disorder

    You will continue to move in the right direction. I know you will…

    take care!!
    Dyane

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Dyane. I find that writing has helped immensely, even though I can feel myself going downwards and wanting to just hide away from everything. There is not much in the way of mood disorder support groups for mothers, but will look into a broader one. It would be helpful to know others who have gone through experiences. I am reading your blog, and will take a look on the network to find some others. Thanks xx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Glad we can all connect, ladies! Writing about and connecting with others living with mental illnesses is so important. That, and optimism for a healthy future based on what we can all learn together.

        Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks Eleanor. I also hope that this will be a step in the right direction. There was definitely relief at having a name, even for what it could be. What could have happened. And now it is finding the rights medication and moving forward… xx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Agreed. I’ve had a “name” for a long time, but I have been living with a lot of denial. Now that I am being more out in the open, it’s not so bad!

        I wish you good luck finding the right medication, the right dosage, and the best treatment plan that works for you.

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  4. First of all you are a mum, a wife and a friend. All three at the same time and individually. Whether you’re a mum with postnatal depression or yourself with a mental illness. The diagnosis doesn’t define you and don’t let it confine you either. The medication may stabilise your moods and the illness and its symptoms may change but ultimately you are you just needing to adjust to the new you. Xxx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks C. I think that any step towards making sure that I am as well as possible to be a mother and a wife, sister and daughter is a step that needs to be made. Even if it is just to get the right treatment! And yes, adjusting is the perfect term for it…

      Liked by 1 person

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