I should feel more surprised.
But I feel relieved more than anything. Mainly because anxiety just did not seem to fit. I mean, I know that I have anxiety, but it feels more than that. The initial diagnosis is that I have bipolar 1 along with the anxiety. Apparently. Though I remain somewhat unconvinced. Although the reaction from one moment off medication and I go back up to high should probably tell me something, right? Or maybe it just tells me that I need that particular medication. Or maybe it is a mere indication that something postpartum has been going on. Whatever the message, I do wish it would make itself a little clearer.
That being said, maybe it is clear. Maybe the fact that I went up so quickly does support the doctor’s summation. Or maybe I am just a really, really anxious person with surges of energy and periods of instability. Occasions that caused me thoughts of self harm and harm to my baby; that affected my ability to see clearly the consequences of my actions. Even knowing what my actions are. What they could be.
It is one of the nicer mental disorders to have, a mood disorder. We call it bipolar disorder. But I need to know you longer to say it with finality, but we are going to start treating you as such. We are treating you as such. It says it on your script, is that okay?
I feel relieved I think because something is being said, something is changing. These swings may come to an end. Perhaps I can move on to enjoying a stable, steady, normal mood pattern. Maybe my grandeur thoughts will play down to a more realistic level. Maybe I will be able to start to track my moods and predict change. Or perhaps Mr. A can now have some relief knowing where we are. Who I am and who I am not.
Now we have to think about medication, changing, altering, staying the same. It is obvious that the current medicine is doing its job, to a degree. I still experience some swings but the psychotic thoughts and patterns are gone. Even I can tell that from reading my posts very early on. And also reading the limited journaling that I did write during my episode. The fuzzy memories of which I can grasp; reading them to friends in my living room, stories about death thoughts of sludgy darkness.
And who is to say that I do not have postnatal depression. Perhaps it is all three? I do not know, I kind of clammed up after the above statement. Although I kind of knew that it was coming. My husband indicated to the doctor at our first appointment that he thought that I had bipolar. Or that I was bipolar. Am I bipolar, or do I have it? Which is in control when it comes to mental illness? Does it change depending on the trigger? I know that I have not felt in control of my moods and that they seem to swing rapidly. Perhaps this is a step in the right direction?