The shit thing about anxiety is that
- it does not take a break
I mean, not that there are that many positives about having anxiety, but really, the worst element is the ceaseless, relentless, unforgiving and never ending cycle of self doubt that can destroy your resolve. I truly appreciate studying ways of combatting and living with anxiety, but some days it is just ruler. Especially at nights. It has it most strength and resolve once the sun sets, once there is nothing around but the loneliness and the stretch of what, darkness.
Especially whilst I eat chocolate.
Today was difficult. Master X was whingey all day, for unknown reasons. I tried sleep, feed, nappy change, going out, staying home, bonjela, panadol, going out again… He has even woken twice since being put to bed tonight. He is not going through a Wonder Week, but needs to be held all the time. And then not held.
And I messaged you over a day ago and I am waiting for a response.
It challenges my self-belief, days like this. I did not experience much joy in being a parent, in fact, if felt like really hard work. It is difficult trying to communicate with a little being who just wails, groans and screams with occasional back arching and flailing arms.
What is wrong little man.
Have I done something wrong, I really wish that you would put me out of my misery. Do you have any idea what your absence is doing to my head.
My therapist supports going back to some kind of work, but I am not confident enough to work out what this will look like. How it will sound, where to begin. The depression is the anecdote and my anxiety is the story. I own both of them although I do not get a say over which is present at what time. Or whether they both come to the party in my head simultaneously.
And so I trudge off to bed, another day complete, another day ahead,
and the moment is now
I feel heartbroken, I thought that we were friends.