I thought that we were friends

The shit thing about anxiety is that

  • it does not take a break

I mean, not that there are that many positives about having anxiety, but really, the worst element is the ceaseless, relentless, unforgiving and never ending cycle of self doubt that can destroy your resolve. I truly appreciate studying ways of combatting and living with anxiety, but some days it is just ruler. Especially at nights. It has it most strength and resolve once the sun sets, once there is nothing around but the loneliness and the stretch of what, darkness.

Especially whilst I eat chocolate.

Today was difficult. Master X was whingey all day, for unknown reasons. I tried sleep, feed, nappy change, going out, staying home, bonjela, panadol, going out again… He has even woken twice since being put to bed tonight. He is not going through a Wonder Week, but needs to be held all the time. And then not held.

And I messaged you over a day ago and I am waiting for a response. 

It challenges my self-belief, days like this. I did not experience much joy in being a parent, in fact, if felt like really hard work. It is difficult trying to communicate with a little being who just wails, groans and screams with occasional back arching and flailing arms.

What is wrong little man.

Have I done something wrong, I really wish that you would put me out of my misery. Do you have any idea what your absence is doing to my head.

My therapist supports going back to some kind of work, but I am not confident enough to work out what this will look like. How it will sound, where to begin. The depression is the anecdote and my anxiety is the story. I own both of them although I do not get a say over which is present at what time. Or whether they both come to the party in my head simultaneously.

Like now

And so I trudge off to bed, another day complete, another day ahead,
and the moment is now
here

I feel heartbroken, I thought that we were friends.

Photo on 11-02-2016 at 8.45 pm


7 thoughts on “I thought that we were friends

  1. I took my kids to swimming lessons today, and right before we went in I snuck a piece of chocolate when they weren’t looking. Then I settled in. Sorry you are still cloudy. Time to write another post??

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  2. I admire you so much for writing about the tough times, for being real – we’ve been there, we continue to be there. I was there this morning with a temper tantrum (but much older child.) I wanted to have my own tantrum! I still might have one before the day is through. :0

    Take care and keep us posted on how it all goes. Blogging is good for the soul!

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      1. You’re so funny! (“Damn those slugs have a lot to answer for!”) I actually live in the Banana Slug capital of the world, where we have neon yellow slugs slithering around – they are creepy! And they like to slither on disgusting things. I’ll spare you the details… I hope you’re feeling less sluggish!

        Sorry about that wicked tantrum…..I forget about teething since I now have an 8 & 11 year-old, which seems bizarre. I miss the baby stage! But not the teething crap!!!!!!

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