Hope + Truth. Destroy

And so it is happening again. That moment on a Friday when I question what my purpose is.

Truthfully though, this is something that happens most days, and my reaction most days, is to have a drink of wine. There, I said it. I admitted it. I drink. Not drunk drink, but one or two glasses regularly drink. The drinking has not been a continual feature, in fact it has only been since hitting the depression cycle a couple of weeks ago. Until then I had been sober R. As sober as they come. Anyway, I am about to pour myself a glass to avoid the thoughts of not being good enough. Good enough at writing. Good enough at sewing. Good enough at mummy-ing. Good enough at wife-ing. Good enough at being.

Breathe. Be present. Really though, I just want to shout cuss words at the screen because I am sick of this reel now. It was so yesterday. So last week’s story. That trash went out along with the selfie stick. And Gangnam. Like hair spray without the spray. Or Hairspray without the Hair. It is just does not seem to fit anymore. And so I drink to relax and to stop the reel, to give my brain and sense of self a break. It is okay not to be perfect, to be the best, to be ‘just good enough’. I keep telling myself the story that as long as I am me, and that I am here, that is what is important. But it just does not sound true.

IMG_1808Today I smiled at most people and said that everything was great. That I was loving my time with Master X. I mean, some days and moments I do. But I was there because I was escaping another day of painful screaming from teething and I had to take a moment this morning to avoid having a temper tantrum myself.

Talk about regression.

IFullSizeRendert is good to know that my acting skills are still serving me well when I can pretend to an audience that we are all good. That we are not recovering from PND, psychotic episode and being most recently alerted to bipolar disorder. Or that my body is failing me and that walk that you saw me do whilst carrying my son in a ring sling is my only ‘exercise’ today for fear my pelvis will explode into a fireworks of pain tonight that will see me unable to shift from the couch while I drink my wine.

I know that the wine is feeding my cloudy head. But the swirl of ‘must do something’, ‘you are not doing enough’ compromised by my actual ability to concentrate is nil. As in, I cannot concentrate at the moment. I have no will to do much although my brain is swirling. My motivation is zip, nada, zero, nothing, absent, gone, disappeared, unknown.

And I am left sitting here yet again, enjoying my delicious seven dollar Aldi wine watching trashy television and avoiding my ‘hobbies’ because they will never be good enough because I do not have the motivation or patience at the moment. And I am not sure that I ever did have the drive to be careful and precise with my hobbies. And that is what is feeding the beast, this circle of hope against the truth.


8 thoughts on “Hope + Truth. Destroy

  1. First of all, you’re an incredible writer. You have a special way with words and with how you express your angst, so when you’re feeling insecure, please come back and read this comment. I’ve become extremely picky with the blogs that I read regularly and you made the cut. Second, I completely relate to this post. I used to be able to have Merlot everyday and I did…I will admit it here. And what’s not so awesome about that is that I would have a lot of it around 11 in the morning Yes. So that was not healthy, to say the least, and it became a very bad addiction which, luckily, I was forced to deal with when I started that medication I mentioned to you: the maoi. I’m not saying that you’re headed in my direction at all. I don’t think you are thank goodness. But I think you’re dealing with these dilemmas in the best way which is through writing it and sharing your experience through this blog. I wish I started blogging regularly before 2013; it has been very therapeutic. So please give yourself extra credit and I look forward to reading how you navigate the joys and challenges of being a mom. Sorry for the typos but I’m doing this crazy thing where I talk into my phone to leave this comment and it’s actually pretty fun!

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    1. Thank you so much it means a lot to me that you not only read but also take the time to reply to my blog. I am feeling less and less like alcohol, although have flirted with the edge of daily consumption lately (I have done so in the past though). Thank you for the support – and I couldn’t pick up on any typos- your voice comment is better than my writing comment!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You are so welcome! If you can keep alcohol to a small amount daily and it’s not harming you…well, there are much worse sins. But you know what I mean, when it becomes a crutch. Sigh.

        I love being able to leave a comment while waiting in the dreadful carpool line! 🙂 I used to comment more regularly on all the blogs I read, but you can imagine that’s a challenge. So I only do the longer, rambling ones when inspired. :))))))

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Oh, it’s just using my new smart phone. When I open a blog comment section & select it, and my phone shows me text and a little microphone – if that makes any sense. Have you ever tried that?

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