Officially, unofficially I am getting better. I am not ‘out of the woods’ yet as my psychiatrist puts it, but I am on the up and up, and as my physiotherapist sung to me today ‘I’m moving’ on up’ (click the fingers in time). This is a good sign. I function well on caffeine is another thing that I learnt today. A little too well.
I stopped caffeine over two years ago when I realised (thanks to my GP) that my addiction to the brown goodness of hope was exacerbating my anxiety condition. Although now I know that I could have been having a mania episode and the anti-depressants were exacerbating that. I recall one particular time that my anti-depressants were being increased and I consumed so many anti-anxiety lorazepam and benzodiazepines that it was not funny. But I think that I did actually find it pretty entertaining in a dirty, sludgy, wired, non-sleeping, racing thoughts and paranoia kind of way.
I am ferociously trying to cook dinner for three, plus write. I am having a few moments of respite thanks to my Aunty. Thank goodness for my family is all that I can say. The doctor was adamant that I still need day support until ‘I am in the fields’- I’m guessing the antonym to ‘being in the woods’.
So, the caffeine. Yes it sent me into hyperdrive which was useful in a way as I was super cloudy this morning due to my sleeping medication last night. I felt like I perhaps slept a little too much yesterday and thus the medication was deemed necessary. I was not going to put myself through the whole lying awake wondering for hours business. I really didn’t have the energy for that. (oooh that pasta is tasting a little stale. yummo).
As a sipped my lactose-free flat white whilst madly driving home to collect my lunch and feed a very grizzling little man I wondered at why I had stayed away from caffeine so vehemently. And then I arrived at playgroup and succumb to a second cup. I mean, if one cup did so well in lifting the cloud, surely two cups would power charge me for the rest of the day?
I can attest that at five o’clock I am still going from the caffeine that I consumed earlier at eleven o’clock. My brain feels the most switched on that it has been in weeks, months even. (yup, this jar-o-dinner is turning out to be quite the restaurant meal…)
And so thank you brown liquid of hope for I will now remember you on the cloudiest of days. But may have to limit myself to just one cup. And not have it in the house. Or I can see this turning into a flirt with anxiety, which is a romance that I wish not to dance with right at the moment whilst I am shacked up in the woods.