In the woods

Slide1Officially, unofficially I am getting better. I am not ‘out of the woods’ yet as my psychiatrist puts it, but I am on the up and up, and as my physiotherapist sung to me today ‘I’m moving’ on up’ (click the fingers in time). This is a good sign. I function well on caffeine is another thing that I learnt today. A little too well.

I stopped caffeine over two years ago when I realised (thanks to my GP) that my addiction to the brown goodness of hope was exacerbating my anxiety condition. Although now I know that I could have been having a mania episode and the anti-depressants were exacerbating that. I recall one particular time that my anti-depressants were being increased and I consumed so many anti-anxiety lorazepam and benzodiazepines that it was not funny. But I think that I did actually find it pretty entertaining in a dirty, sludgy, wired, non-sleeping, racing thoughts and paranoia kind of way.IMG_1840.JPG

I am ferociously trying to cook dinner for three, plus write. I am having a few moments of respite thanks to my Aunty. Thank goodness for my family is all that I can say. The doctor was adamant that I still need day support until ‘I am in the fields’- I’m guessing the antonym to ‘being in the woods’.

So, the caffeine. Yes it sent me into hyperdrive which was useful in a way as I was super cloudy this morning due to my sleeping medication last night. I felt like I perhaps slept a little too much yesterday and thus the medication was deemed necessary. I was not going to put myself through the whole lying awake wondering for hours business. I really didn’t have the energy for that. (oooh that pasta is tasting a little stale. yummo).

As a sipped my lactose-free flat white whilst madly driving home to collect my lunch and feed a very grizzling little man I wondered at why I had stayed away from caffeine so vehemently. And then I arrived at playgroup and succumb to a second cup. I mean, if one cup did so well in lifting the cloud, surely two cups would power charge me for the rest of the day?

I can attest that at five o’clock I am still going from the caffeine that I consumed earlier at eleven o’clock. My brain feels the most switched on that it has been in weeks, months even. (yup, this jar-o-dinner is turning out to be quite the restaurant meal…)

And so thank you brown liquid of hope for I will now remember you on the cloudiest of days. But may have to limit myself to just one cup. And not have it in the house. Or I can see this turning into a flirt with anxiety, which is a romance that I wish not to dance with right at the moment whilst I am shacked up in the woods.

6 thoughts on “In the woods

  1. I gave up caffeine about six months ago as it was triggering panic attacks at night and making my anxiety worse throughout the day. The only problem is that it takes me hours to wake up ha ha Enjoy your cup. 🙂


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