Love

Now is the time to write. The time when I least feel like it. When I feel most ashamed of how I am feeling. When my head whirls and tails around on itself, telling stories, teaching me lies. Like I am not a good mum. Everything would be easier without me. Fleeting, but scary thoughts of leaving. Even hearing X-man’s voice does not waver my resolve.

It feels as though everything is too much. Too overwhelming. Too much washing (but what is really the point in washing), too much cleaning (it really is too much I mean our yard is such a mess), too much weight gaining (why can’t you just exercise more, eat less, try harder)…

My counsellor told me today that

it is good that you are so attuned to how you are feeling but I think that it is to the detriment of your wellbeing. Perhaps if you were more distracted then you would not be so focussed on how you were feeling

I explained that it is always there. That unknown feeling in the pit of my stomach and by not acknowledging it all day I broke down this afternoon. I forgot to take my medication. Rookie mistake. I needed help and the only person who was available to my knowledge was my husband. I broke down. In the carpark at the mall walking back to my car after a day of ‘distraction’. The thoughts were clumsily, but screaming about how I had failed as a mother with the severe nappy rash that adorned Master X’s rear. That I am a failure as an independent partner by requiring my other half to help me out.

That I cannot even take care of myself so how can I expect to do it for a baby?

I love my son. I love him, I know that I do. But today I feel like I am not showing my love, being the best mum that I can be. I need to try harder… Or maybe I just need to sleep (says Mr. A).

 


5 thoughts on “Love

  1. Sending you a big hug. I have five kids so I know all about feeling overwhelmed and guilty and the house being a mess and the laundry not being done. If it makes you feel better, I found swimsuits from last summer at the bottom of my laundry basket a few days ago. Its been THAT long since I have hit the bottom of that sucker.
    I just try to remind myself that I can only do the best I can. That’s all we can do. xoxo

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  2. I am so proud of you for writing when you don’t feel like it. To me that’s truly amazing and it’s a sign that you will be getting better sooner rather than later. I think it’s the worst when you can’t write it all when you just completely shut down. I also think it’s awesome that you’re seeing a therapist and that your therapist sounds wise. I see myself in things that you write. Especially in terms of what your counselor said about your being a two and two how you feel which is all a good thing and also bad thing talk about confusing. Anyway thinking of you. I wish I had wisdom to share but its hard you know just please take care of yourself it will work out and keep us posted on how you’re doing. And yes I’m being a bad girl by speakingt this comment into my phone rather than writing it on the laptop , so please forgive the mistakes , but this way I actually comment, whereas in the past I would have taken far too long. Xoxo

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  3. Perfectionism can be a very debilitating thing. I see this in Cal, who is always caring deeply and trying his best, but always seems to feel he could have done better and focusses attention on the aspects he feels he has failed than the ones he succeeded in. I might be the same. I think in this case sleep and distraction would be more helpful than trying even harder, when I think you are already pushing at your limits and probably judging yourself way harsher than everyone else is. xxx

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