I apologise for being absent with no explanation. However despite the silence, it has been a changing month. I have returned to work, levelled out on my medication, dealt with losing friends, managed time with family, drowned my emptiness in a glass (or four) of shiraz. I am unsure whether I would say that I am unequivocally well or unwell, all I know is that each day is indeed a day, unique and fresh; old and worn.
Employment has been the centre of my world for the past little while. I battled intense feelings of loss when I returned to work, missing my little man by my side to fight the days together. I also was scared of how well my brain would work given the intense side effects of my then heavily medicated self. Medications resulted in blurry vision, intense weight gain, tremor and cloudy head. I am pleased that these side effects although impeding me for a time, did disappear once I drastically reduced my medication (under doctor advice).
Needless to say that my doctor was pleased when I said that I had taken a break from blogging. They had made their position on my blog quite clear, fearful that I would write things, personal things, that would haunt me after I recovered. Although I am far from recovered, I do think that I am on the path to wellness, and I experience no regret in keeping this blog. In fact I regret the break, although it was needed to sever the cycle of obsession and depression due to pressure to ‘write, just write’, and do it perfectly. Too much pressure. So much steam.
Work has allowed me to have a break from the gruelling pace of raising a child. I learned that I could not return to work full time as I could not bear to away from Master X for five out of seven days, and given the end of my contract nearing ever so close, I was fortunate to find another job in a similar field. On returning to work I thought that I was saying goodbye to working in my area of passion, to later realise that I had said goodbye once I went on maternity leave. I did not return to my role, instead being placed in a position not related to any area of interest. This was difficult, but it also forced me to look for work elsewhere.
X is grabbing my feet as they are propped on the table that he is trying to traverse. It feels more like tickling tee hee
I don’t think we give enough credit to women who choose to return to work after having a child. Especially if they experienced PND. Even more if they experienced a psychosis and was told, like me, to refrain from working for six months (which I ignored and retuned to work as planned). Three weeks into work and I still struggle to pick my son up in the afternoon, thinking of all the things he has done that day without me, all the learning, the socialising, the eating, the falls, the tears, the sleep… Being without me. I sat at work one day this week and found myself flicking through the photos of Master X, missing him even though he was only a 10 minute drive away; even though I had been at work for only an hour. This shit is hard. It is confronting and heart breaking. But it is also what makes me a better mum, feeling like I am contributing to the world, making it a better place for him to grow up.
I feel more level, and realise after missing my medication (accidentally) this week that I do not want to be without it. I’m not going to lie though, I have seriously considered for many reasons, going off my medication. To feel free, to lose weight, to feel, to be. I watched a show the other week where a mother was on her bipolar medications for her kids. And she was right. This is no longer about me, it is about us.