I am contemplating the result of today. It started off a typically rough day, loads of crying (from Master X… mainly), unrelenting requirement for cuddles (maybe a little from my side too), and some comfort eating (all me). My best friend baked me a carrot and pineapple delight cake and I couldn’t help but sneak a
small – ok it was a quarter of the cake- piece. Oh and also those two large pieces of Aldi dark chocolate that just melt in the mouth. Yes, it was gluttonous, but it was also a piece of sanity survival. A way to block out the noise both outside and inside. I have a lot of self doubt running around at the moment, from my role as mother and the start of a new job.
What if I’m not good enough?
What if I don’t know enough?
Am I missing all the good bits by working?
Blow a kiss, fire a gun…
There is something about motherhood that forces us to question our nature, our way of being, knowing, to question our strength, to wonder what it is that we were doing before this moment, before our baby, before our family.
It took a small move on my behalf, but a major move for Master X for there to be some clarity and peace today. And in fact after this move, he settled and we had a sweet afternoon of mum researching information on her laptop on the couch for her new yet to begin job, whilst Master X gurgled and commando crawled around the new space listening to the
mellow (ok, honestly) grating sounds of the Wiggles.
I moved the armchair from the centre of the room to the other side near the window. Space. Open space.
Space To Breathe.
Space to Play.
In a small house, even one piece of furniture change change the whole way that the room and indeed the house can operate. This in turn can impact on how chilled out we are. It amazed me how instant the change was for Master X. It was as if I had taken him to a new place altogether. And I got some brain peace – space inside to breathe, be still, enjoy my son and this (now late) afternoon that we had together. Because being back at work means that we don’t get to spend everyday together so I am keen to do ANYTHING to make our time more enjoyable for us both. Even if it means moving around the furniture in the house.