I have been feeling a bit nostalgic lately. Things, places, events, facial expressions, a piece of music… they all trigger something in me, a sense of sadness, but also hope. Knowledge that I am improving, that I am getting a handle on this space called motherhood with a mental illness, but also knowing that I will never be complete again. I mean that I can see now that the journey of life is continual and that I will constantly change and grow.
This week I took Master X to Questacon. An expensive adventure, but upon entry I heard him make noises of excitement that I had never heard before, it was money that I felt was well justified. As I watched him engage in independent and group play I noticed that everything is fluid and that there is no permanence in life.
- My psychotic episode was not going to be a solid feature
- My current anxiety will also pass
- My knowledge of myself will evolve
- My relationship with the people I love will grow
Sometimes change can be positive as in the example of Master X splashing in water and making everyone around him laugh and join in. Change can also be scary as I venture into the unknown such as starting a new job, or tossing a ball down a cone and into the dark abyss.
I am trying to flow with the change and to see that things can, and will change. Maybe this will help my anxiety. Maybe it will open space for new anxieties. Maybe it will make my life more enjoyable and valued.
I am not sure how else to move through this time. Last night we were woken four times by Master X.
This is not permanent.
Things will change eventually.
They may even change tonight. But it is difficult in the midst of the change to be able to see the light at the end. Last week I felt suffocated by the anxiety of starting at a new workplace. This week I feel slightly better, more in control, less panicked. This week I feel slightly anxious but I can see light. I am the ball that has reached the bottom of the cone and I might be starting to come out the other side.