Well this is a post that I was hoping I would never have to write again, but I guess that when you have an illness as moody as Bipolar Disorder (BPD) that it is bound to happen when your body is a bit out of whack. So as I have shared before, we are testing regularly for the lithium levels to make sure that it is within the therapeutic does for me, and that there are no risks of toxicity to my liver function or thyroid, as this would impact the baby.
Before pregnancy my levels were 0.7 and now they are 0.5. My GP assured me that this was still within the therapeutic range. What I learnt today though, is that the therapeutic level for each person is different and my level is 0.7.
Thanks perinatal team for that information.
There have been signs of a high mood for a few weeks
- Lack of sleep
- Missing medication
- Irrational behaviour (tried to run my partner over with the car)
- Starting a business and working on it all night and day
Last night was the high of it though – at 12am still writing my new e-book, in my head, while trying to find a reason for me to invest my money into this obviously successful venture.
I couldn’t stop. I was shaking, sweating, tossing and turning, laughing, talking to myself (out loud?). I finally go out of bed and took some Ativan and ate toast while trolling social media and texting another friend with BPD. It took about 2 hours until I felt dopy and my mind was only a dull flutter of thoughts and voices and I slept. I sent a text to Mr A to ask him to let me sleep as I had emailed my work to let them know that I was not able to come in today. At 2am I emailed them. Good look there, R.
And I did sleep and did not wake up for six hours. Bliss. The first time that has happened in weeks, or even months.
My episodes are largely triggered by a) medication and b) sleep deprivation. And I feel as though I have not slept, like really slept for a very long time.
On the plus side my creativity is through the roof (oh, how I have missed you!) and if I was a solo flyer with no family responsibilities I would be quite happy being an unmedicated BPD person despite the crippling and scary lows, just for this creativity. I love it. Honestly. It is me.
But it is not sustainable and what comes up must come down. It damages my work, relationships and takes weeks or even months to recover.
Step 1: See GP
Step 2: Book in for psych appointment
Step 3: Self-care
I think I have these covered for the day. But sitting at home alone, does not help. It heightens what is trying to break through the dull fuzz of the Ativan. So on that note, I’m off to the GP.