I can’t say the last two days have been particularly fun. Trying to get the medication dosage correct takes time, space and patience.
I still feel a little cloudy as my head becomes readjusted to the increased lithium and antipsychotic but I feel much better today than yesterday. Friday was a day of cloudiness, frustratingly so dull that even a phone call from a friend to check in (thank you so much) seems like it was an echo from my brain to mouth.
But yes, today is better. I am still in the cycle, I am aware of it when I am alone, and at night when I’m certain that if I don’t create that it will be lost, or someone else will get in first.
It takes time. And parameters. And love.
But damn that creativity is so addictive, and the power rush of believing I am the inventor, original thinker, the world is my oyster… Well why would someone want to stop that?
Because I know it it not forever, that it can lead to psychosis and it is not easy to live with me in that state.
So I’ll keep writing in the hope that even with the lid from medication on my free chemicals, that I can create in a safer way. And that I can be the mum, wife, colleague, friend and family member that is fair, considerate… And not in hospital.