It’s ok, everything is ok with my bipolar medication and pregnancy.

I was going to hold off writing until after my appointments tomorrow, but the truth is that I just want to hide from these visits to doctors. I have written about my desire to breastfeed this baby, and the likely possibility that I won’t be able to due to medication and lack of clinical support. And tomorrow is that meeting.

The results from the 20 week pregnancy ultrasound came back all clear, so clear, clearer than I clearly expected.

The results
The quintessential baby pic

I am excited this is happening. I can feel them moving inside me now; in the evenings after dinner, on the plane as it drops altitude to land.

I had an all too real dream last night though, that for some reason I had decided to go on a rollercoaster-type amusement ride that held my body against gravity, like those cha-cha rides they had at our school fetes as kids. I could fee my baby firm but small, rounded spine against the outer layer and I could hold them in my hand. I was trying to resist them being thrown around too much, and I could feel them pulse and their firm shape compress into my hand as I attempted to protect them.

When I woke from this very vivid dream my hand was tingling from the sensation of holding them. Although I knew it was not real, it was so vivid that my feeling was immersed in the touch. Dreams like this happen more often than not, and I am not sure if it is part of the pregnancy or a side effect of the medical or my mania seeping out. Sometimes they are manageable like last night, other times they are delicious in intimacy and joy, however more often than not they are insidious, dark and seeped in deep pain and horror. The prelude to my novella is a recurring vivid nightmare that I experienced every night during my psychotic episode in 2015. It was so real that my sweat and trembling did nothing to comfort and I felt disastrous loss.

Nap time for Master X

Yeah, no nap for Mr 18 months. It was actually more distress time as he sat next to the door Mr A had left through. My man has had a tough week looking after our boy as he was sick and could not go to care. So anyway, X is totally attached to Mr A now. I’m trying to watch him so dad can go to the movies, and all I get is a crying mess.

Sleep hahahaha!

My mania seems a life time ago. What I am appreciating is the clarity of the bipolar medication Zyprexa in comparison to the  Risperidone medication in 2015. The weight gain from the bipolar medication is a bit of a sucker (8kg in 3 weeks) and I always say, ‘all I want is to be well. I don’t care about the extra weight‘ until I gain the weight and start to feel better and it’s all ‘hella hoe I’m FAT’. I know that I have time to lose the weight later, and I have lost it before, but it does not help the down period that always follows mania heightens such changes. And I’m too afraid to walk after the severe pubic pain I had last time.

So things are on the up… today. And I’ll write some more after I crash into the wall of anti-breastfeeding pro-mental health appointments tomorrow. *Queue doom music*


The Secret Diary of Agent Spitback
Run Jump Scrap!

10 thoughts on “It’s ok, everything is ok with my bipolar medication and pregnancy.

  1. Oh my goodness, what a time you are having at the moment, I’m so glad that things are looking up and I wish you all the luck with your appointment. It can be so draining when your little one only wants the other parent. Thanks for being part of the #bigpinklink


    1. Thank you! I know it seems endless. I saw the Dr yesterday and write about it going ok with some changes advised. Apparently I’m in this tumultuous state until the post natal period! Thanks for connecting it means a lot xx


  2. I remember the vivid dreams. They can really effect you. I hope you can find a balance, the weight will go if you want it to. Good luck with the appointment.


  3. It sounds so bitter sweet. I’m glad the scan went well and I hope your appointment goes well too. I remember having such vivid dreams when I was pregnant too. Some good, some not so, but really really vivid and hard to believe they were dreams. (I still remember one or two now and it was a long time ago!) Good luck with everything, it sounds like you are doing really well xx


    1. Thank you! The dr thinks it’s because I’m not sleeping deeply enough. I wish they were lovely dreams! Thanks for reading and commenting it means a lot!


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