Things are going pretty well this week I guess. Since the medication increase I’ve only had one bout of anger and no obsessive all-night write-ups. I’m back to forgetting to take my medications on time though, so this means a lag in the benefits. This is also a sign that things are going well because I am not hanging out for relief from the mania. I am not longer drowsy from the Olanzapine and am bolstered and empowered by the recent post from Cassandra about safe breastfeeding medications. I am now at the top of the dosage range for both Lithium (1750mg dosage / top 2000mg) and Olanzapine (15mg dosage / top 20mg) but I am so committed to breastfeeding… I really don’t like to ponder too much on what it will mean for my mental health and empowerment if I were not supported by my medical carers to breastfeed.
I can feel the baby move more regularly especially when I wear my sexy pubic support belt. Bubba hates the band and is super active when I wear it. It’s okay little one, I didn’t need my vagina anyway. The pubic pain is awful, and I now have sciatica to boot. I travel interstate every fortnight for work and it is looking less and less likely that I will make it to May for the trips although if I can keep my walking to a minimum, or perhaps get a set of crutches to help my movement…
I miss the desire to write that comes with the mood high of bipolar. I feel I am struggling to even get this post out of my head, it is cloudy and sad. Perhaps a bit down because my boys have just left me in Queensland for a few days of work and I miss them terribly already. I don’t normally have issues with homesickness when travelling, but this is the first time they have left me – usually I go on the trips alone, departing from the house early in the morning or after dinner. There is definitely a difference when I am the one who is left behind. It is super hard. I have a whole day here on the beautiful Gold Coast but we are broke so I am kept up in the hotel. The accommodation has Foxtel but it is seriously rubbish when compared to Netflix. But I digress.
It seems there is a blanket on my bipolar brain. Not like the Risperidone, but still a block to my usual creativeness. I wish I felt drive to write rather than it be a chore that ‘I should do’. A friend recently published a new novel (which I am looking forward to reading) and I wish I had the motivation to keep writing my novella. I yearn for my writing to not be tied to my moods, but it is. I have not worked on my book since increasing my bipolar antipsychotic medication. On the one hand I am enjoying the peace in my brain, but on the other I am feeling recluse, unmotivated, blurgh.
How do you find the motivation to write when everything seems hinged on the bipolar mood high?
How do you draw creativity when it seems it is draped in a deep, dark blanket of nothingness?
How do you access your brain when the medication is deadening it to avoid impending harm that is undoubtably going to occur if you let the high run its course?