Headphones in. Speaker loud. I can still hear him screaming from the crack underneath the door as he rains out protests and calls for ‘mumma!!’. This is hard shit and it hasn’t become any easier as Master X has gotten older. Normally I have the patience to either stay with him until he is asleep, or if it is taking too long and there is no sign of relaxation, then to stay awake with him and provide calming activities and environment.
I know the grammar is terrible in this post but I really can’t be bothered. It could be because my antidepressants are now halved to 50mg to counter the hypomania, or it could just be because I am so freaking tired I could literally stay in bed for a week and still be tired.
If someone asked me what word sums up being a parent, I would say tired. Sleeplessness leading to tiredness; draining screams resulting in tiredness, loss of self feeling equates to tired.
Tired. Drained. Numb.
I was moments ago curled up in bed crying because as I listened to London Grammar (which I am still listening to in the hope to bring my mood around) I scrolled through the instant mood-destabiliser known as Facebook and was confronted with all the happy snappies of new born babies, sleeping, breastfeeding, sleeping… and the parents in the wave of happy delirium of post natal period.
He has stopped crying. Time. 15 minutes. I left my toddler for 15 minutes to cry alone so that I can have a break. But I guess a break is better than the alternative, which was me losing control, yelling, ‘Lay down now. One, two three…’.
He knows that counting routine so well that he does it for everything now. He uses his own words but it the same sound pattern. Time to jump? ‘Daa, Daaa, Raaaa!’.
I’m going now to have a cup of tea while he is asleep. Try and forgive myself for letting him cry it out. The only time in months. I feel like such a failure- he must think I don’t love him to leave him alone to cry to sleep. But mumma needed to stop. Yelling is worse, I think. And the train of thoughts in my head were leading to a dark place that we really don’t need now.