I am awake earlier than everyone else this morning. The birds are singing outside our door and the temperature has just done that drop it does before the day breaks. I have been waking up early the last few days, for some reason, maybe excitement? I am in a fairly good place although I still feel pretty tired. It is by reentering blogging I have found some new connections like The Bipolar Parent and Purple Owl as well as reconnecting to the beautiful, strong and thoughtful writer over at Birth of a New Brain.
My husband has encouraged me to enter my novella – maybe still to be a novel – to some local writing competitions. I am also chasing some avenues of affiliations so I can hopefully begin to strengthen some of my experiential and review posts. Despite the medications dulling the edges of my writing daemon, I am forcing myself to engage both here and at Australian Education Blogs. I can see why people opt for only one blog, but my passion for education is my normalising element and connection to my profession. It helps me to stay fresh with education while I am (temporarily? I am not sure) absent from teaching but still working in the education sector.
I have really enjoyed working with my colleagues at the blogs mentioned earlier and I encourage readers to check them out. It is funny reading what someone else is going through and yelling ‘yes!’ aloud at the screen in absolute camaraderie and understanding. I feel pretty alone in this experience in Canberra, especially being pregnant again and the new array of issues and questions that this state brings. I did stumble across an article from 2014 about a woman with PPP in The Canberra Times but there is something about being able to connect and write and read, honestly.
Being able to navigate a way forward through this stage is lonely. It is putting pressure on Mr A, and tarnishing what should be a joyful and loving stage of our family life.
Ah that ol’ enemy word. I will rephrase: this time in our lives is a joyful one, but it is looking different to what one would hope or expect if they were in a normal pregnancy. Okay so I’ve done the whole comparison thing again. Who does this type of thinking benefit Raegina? Cause it sure ain’t me.How do you change this way of comparative thinking – it should be, would be, COULD BE this way… but it isn’t. And who is to say that this way is the wrong way? It is just different.
So as a new day breaks and fresh opportunities to connect come around I am happy and thankful for the above connections, including my husband and toddler. They are a big part of the strength to stay on the medication despite the dull head, lack of motivation, deadening of mood. Honestly I miss the mania at the stage I was at – the creativity, blossoming words, flowing thoughts (I just looked up and the cat is taring down at me in this creepy kind of way…
… I am not sure whether it safe to keep writing while sitting on the couch for much longer). I know there is a limit to that energy and the fallout would have been more than any the benefits are worth (or so I keep telling myself). The thing that this episode has meant is clarification from the universe that I do have bipolar (thanks postpartum) and this medication is a part of my life, just as much as the swings. And if I can keep it pretty level then the likelihood of another psychotic episode are slim. I hope.