I am super tired today. My body feels as though it has just run a marathon (as I eat the last of a 750g block of Cadbury’s Fruit n Nut chocolate) however I still manage to have the urge to eat despite the physical exertion that comes with being 23 weeks into the pregnancy. I thought it might be helpful to put my gluttonous eating habits into a diary kind of format. Not everyday, but maybe here and there, a sprinkle of chocolate reality on the side of deliciousness.
- Banana, mango and oat lactose-free smoothie
- Fruit juice box
- Cup of coffee with sugar and milk
- Porridge (the premixed individual sweet type)
- Cup of milky, sweet tea
- Left over spaghetti Bolognese, and two pieces of garlic bread
- Zooper Dooper
- ½ packet of dry biscuit-cracker things
- Muesli bar
- 2 pieces of toast with honey
- 4 mini Cadbury Easter eggs
- Soda water
- ½ block of Cadbury’s chocolate
- 4 handfuls of grapes
- Handful of salted peanuts
- 2 glasses of diet iced tea
- Vegetarian Satay and rice
- Small tub of lactose free yoghurt
- Milky tea
- ½ block of Cadbury milk chocolate
- 2 pieces of toast with honey
Please tell me how to stop eating! In 6 weeks since starting Olanzapine I have gained over 15 kilograms. That is an amazing amount of weight – I am starting to get back rolls and my clothes are no longer fitting (and not just due to the pregnancy). Mr A tells me that I need to learn self-control, but this is beyond that stage. I am obviously able to control myself normally as I lost almost 20 kilograms after stopping the Risperidone following the postnatal psychotic episode. If it were a mere matter of self control however, then I would be able to reason with myself in this pregnancy but truthfully there is no off switch to this food machine.
This word has not meant more in my life than when on antipsychotics (except maybe the labour sex). The urge to eat everything, and the fear of not having food on hand at any given moment is real. I have noticed that I start to plan my day around whether there will be food involved, and if it is likely for there to be enough food to satiate the edges of this hunger.
But is it hunger? Or is it emptiness? I believe that the majority of this feeling can be attributed to the side effects of the medication, however is there another reason? Does eating give me more of a sense of control over the situation of my body changing during this pregnancy, my life evolving and amidst the turmoil of change perhaps eating provides a sense of doing something. Much about pregnancy is that these babies inside are eating all your yummy energy while they build up strength to someday make a grand entrance. It is plausible that this endless pit is actually a subconscious way of control?
But hang on- if that was the case then by naming it would result in a loss of power over me, thereby rendering it pummelled into the abyss while I am left… free?
Nope, it is still there, very much an active participant at the forefront of my perceived needs right now. Every ten minutes or so I stop and actively ask myself if I need to use the toilet, and if I want something to eat. And my answer is usually ‘Yes!’ or ‘No, but I might soon so I should go to the toilet and grab a feed on the way’. Part of this debacle is the habit-forming characteristics that I have created and that there is now an association between the necessary action of using the toilet, and the desire to eat.
To fill the emptiness…?
The diary is a useful exercise, and I will aim to post again on this issue in the coming week as I really am not sure if this is a medication, pregnancy or a subconsciously caused affliction. All I know is that I am carrying a lot of extra weight and despite my doctors not being concerned, I am.