Bipolar disorder and the home

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Twinkle twinkle little star
How I wish you were far
Away from mummy somewhere
Round the corner so you can’t hear me swear

Twinkle twinkle little star
Is nanny near to sing in your ear?

As we know I do not have the gift of lyrical writing, however I felt that today was especially pertinent to kids nursery rhymes. No I do not want to fu$%^&n update the app so stop asking me. Do you ever get those days when you are super tired, stretched to the limit of your patience and just want a break? Like I would love to go to a day spa for an overnight trip right now, but that ain’t gonna happen, so would settle for a venture to the massage salon for a couple of hours. However, when you have committed to having your bathroom redone and have moved in with your lovely mother in law for a few weeks while 23 weeks pregnant, it becomes apparent when you mention it in a slightly-joking-but-not-really-joking kind of way to the other half that this massage too is not going to happen.

I am like a kid at the moment. Every day after work Mr A and I head to the house to drop him off so he can feed our kitten (meow) and I race inside with my camera to take an update shot. Well, most days. Today I worked from home and had a few appointments (blood test, hair cut, morning tea at day care) so missed out, but that will make it even more exciting for next time!

I realised today that Two Years is a pattern for me. I either have to move house, state or experience some kind of major housing upheaval.

2006 – 2008 : moved to Japan
2008 – 2011: moved to the Central Desert
2011-2013: lived in a garage in Canberra
2013-2014: lived in the most expensive street in a knock down house
2014: moved to Central Desert
2015-2017: bought first house
2017: remodelling bathroom

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Yup, a pattern exists. I wonder if this also eludes to cycles. It seems that I moved house whenever I had a depressive cycle (before Master X was born in 2015 I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety ‘cycles’ rather than bipolar disorder). I remember it being a necessary path, the only path and most of the moves were rash decisions carried out in short time periods. I would get these thoughts saying ‘you have do it now. If you don’t move then you will have to insert doing or feeling something undesirable. I would become fixated on the action that was required and panic if anything stood in its way. Before moving to the Central Desert in 2014 for instance, I broke up with my partner (now husband), telling myself that I needed to in order to be able to leave. Leaving was the only choice at that stage because staying would mean a lot of hard work to make employment and relationships work.IMG_1301

It took me two weeks to pack my bags to move to the desert in both 2008 and 2014, however the stark difference is that I was already packed up having never settled since my return to Australia from Japan in mid-2008. In 2014 however I was in a house, had just been let go from a stable job and was in a scary temporary research position and felt stuck doing the same stuff I was doing in 2006 before I left for Japan. I had retuned to Canberra after 2 years away and picked up with the same friends running the same patterns. This was fun for a while, but as I became more involved with Mr A, the interest dwindled. I began to see how separated I was from my once close friends, and how I yearned for more from life. I slowly said goodbye to these people over the next few years and I can see now that I have only one friend from that time, and we connect on a whole other level being that we both have bipolar disorder.

Change hurts. Living at your mother-in-law’s house for two weeks while your bathroom is remodelled is difficult. Although she is an amazing nanny and pretty stable support , it is never easy to shack up at someone else’s place with a toddler in tow!

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6 thoughts on “Bipolar disorder and the home

  1. That’s funny – I’ve experienced the two years cycle as well in terms of assorted administrative jobs I held. But those jobs were all unfulfilling. I don’t see myself quitting writing in two years, and that’s a big comfort!

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  2. You’re very much like me, I have to move or have some big change in my life every few years too. I find it quite hard to just settle with things and so usually end up changing jobs, retraining or moving house.

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    1. Yes! I find it really hard to stay in the same job for more than 2 years also. Once I left retail it has been max 2 years. How do we combat this, or is it now just a trait?

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