Being medicated is a state of being. It affects the way you think, move, eat and live your life. I have been medicated in some way for mental illness since 2013, and on pills for bipolar I disorder specifically since my first psychosis in 2015. Today marks the first day of me only on antipsychotics- I consumed my final dose of lithium this morning with breakfast in preparation for the birth of our second baby.

I had to work from home last week as the increased dose of Olanzapine (an antipsychotic) made me like I had narcolepsy. I was difficult to wake in the morning, fall asleep in the car on the way to work and then sleep past my nap-time alarm during my lunch break, causing me on one occasion to sleep through an important meeting.

I don’t have any particular attachment to taking the lithium, and don’t really feel like it is a major breakthrough. The plan is that I stay on the Olanzapine only until the baby is born and then begin a new, breastfeeding safe mood stabliser like epilum.

I have lost all of my desire to write these last few weeks so is the nature of this illness.  My dreams to work for myself have been scattered as I realise that I am but at the whim of the highs and troughs of bipolar I moods and that I find it difficult to adjust my self-control accordingly to allow for me to be able to work for myself.

I miss the highs of writing, I won’t lie. I loathe the television but find myself spending more and more time in front of it, like a zombie, soaking in the propaganda, advertisements and dull attempts at engaging programming. I hate that i am cut down to this state, but I think part of it is also the tail end of the pregnancy. Everything seems slower, more difficult, more sluggish, difficult and just generally in a sense, over it all. I’m having contractions, headaches, can’t bend over, difficulty sleeping and all the other bells and whistles that come along with the final countdown.

35 weeks.

 


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