Last night I had some difficulty sleeping. I was unsure whether it was a hormone thing or a medication thing but my mind automatically went to medication. My mind was racing, you know, like when you have anxiety or a heightened state of being like the start of mania. I was feeling very hot under the covers so threw them off a few times, tossed, turned and tossed again thinking that perhaps movement was what I needed to rid my brain of the affliction. I am on edge. It is now, at 36 weeks pregnant, just a waiting game to see when the bub will make their grand entrance. I am excited too, the kind of forward thinking though that can prolong these things as they produce adrenaline which is the antonym hormone of what I need right now to get this show on the road.
This holding pattern is not conducive to someone with a mood disorder as I am stuck. I am finding that I stray to look at further study options, trips that we can take as a family of four while on maternity leave, and even houses that we *might* need in the future. I have asked to stay on at work for another week because physically and medically the pregnancy is going well. In actual fact the reason is that I don’t want to sit at home, for fear of boredom and falling into a depression. When I was pregnant with Master X I spent my days knitting, watching Netflix and cooking, all out of excitement and the feeling that this was the way to prepare. This time though the thought of doing these things, being at the house all day… waiting… all freak me out! I much prefer to keep busy at work, get out and interact with people.
I have a relaxing day tomorrow off work, seeing the midwife in the morning and going to my first ‘uterus ripening’ treatment at my acupuncturist in the afternoon. This treatment is to get ready for bub, and it is recommend to start at 36 weeks rather than leaving it until you are due or over due to deliver. I am super excited about it, remembering how lovely it was last time and that after my 37 week appointment, that very evening, I went into spontaneous labour with Master X. Here’s hoping that this treatment along with my raspberry leaf tablets and teas will help for a shorter more productive labour! I am also hoping that it will release some to the anxiety, excitement or whatever it is that is keeping me awake at night, wired, sleepless and heart pounding. Thoughts of the upcoming birth (mainly everything bad from last time, like tearing, pressure etc.), the loss of a one-child family and the sadness of sharing motherhood with not only Master X.